12/29/2015
If I had only known...what that meant, Hanah always teased me, she said, mom, you are such a badass...like....for real! As I lay here.....sleep alluding me as usual. I ponder, about this 3 year mark that is about upon me. Three years without my baby girl. Three birthdays of mine without her there with her witty jokes about my age, her loving kindness as she made me cakes or took me out or saved her money for months to buy me a treasure, or make me one, she loved to find something and turn it into treasure. We shared that hunger for a found treasure, and I am left to wonder, why? why us? why her? why me? It is all so unreal yet so brutal in its reality every single morning when I rise and she is no longer there to greet me, to share coffee with me, to share just being us. It is a nightmare daily, hourly really. Every event, every holiday, every song, every everything, without my precious child. I still ask "How can this be true?" I swear each night I pray...let this be false, maybe I am in a coma and I just think this is my life...and I will wake up and it will all have been a horrible mistake, a horrible nightmare.....yet I am another year older, and the nightmare is reality. I continue this fight, this fight to save you, your kids, and your husbands, from this horrific pain. It is the most unbearable pain any human must endure. I carry on this mission to save your kids and most importantly you moms, from ever having to even imagine what this is like. This is what hell is my friends, I promise. I put on my smile, I go out and I fight, for you and me and all of us. Hanah always said I was a badass because of my strength to endure........And as I stand up and speak to students, teachers, mental health professionals and first responders I hear her telling me you got this mom...you are a badass!....She was so funny. When she always told me that, I always laughed it off not every really understanding. I guess now that each day that I continue to breathe, maybe she is right after all...this must be proof. It takes a badass to continue to breathe once your child is gone. God bless you, keep me in your prayers....me being a badass comes straight from the strength God continues to bestow upon me. Peace, love and understanding.....Kym
